Saturday, November 22, 2008

Things Joe Hates

Our new friend Joe at Things Joe Hates writes in with his five things. To read the details of why he hates these particular five things, see his blog. Just don't decide to love him more than you love me.


5. Plastic Shell Anti-Theft Packaging

4. Flying and Airports (ed. note: this is actually two things but we'll let it pass.)

3. Bathroom offenders (including the "no wash," the "no flush," the "blower" and the "moan & groan.") (ed. note: we initially got excited about "the blower" until we understood he was talking about a hand dryer.)

2. Processed Cheese

1. Spiders

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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Five Things PLUS

This Gentle Reader is so full of putrid bile that he sent not five but SIXTEEN things he hates. He is just the kind of guy we need over here at Five Things I Hate.

Good thing we like bending the rules 'round here. I was going to group them in lists of FIVE as per our custom, and post them as multiple entries, but I didn't on accounta I'm lazy. I reserve the right to do so in the future. And while I'm at it, I reserve the right to do whatever else the fuck I want.

Actually, our Gentle Reader technically submitted SEVENTEEN things because he opened his email with a little story about housecleaning and then said "Anywho... (and I hate that too, but I get to say it, because, well, it's me.)"

But since it's not numbered with the rest of them I'm not counting it.



1. I hate days that are gray but don't rain. What's the point? If it's going to be cloudy and gloomy, then go ahead and rain. It's like a wasted effect. Sure, just go ahead and depress the hell outta everyone, but don't finish the job. Jeez.

2. I hate pushy drivers. It's just irritating. Here she comes, in an SUV, talking on a cell, smoking a cig and going about 30 MPH faster than I'm going and I'm already behind someone traveling the right speed on a two-lane, NO PASSING road. But does that stop her? Nope. She just keeps barrelling up to my bumper and then starts veering over to make sure I notice her in ALL of my rear-view mirrors. I could go on, but I'm sure you've been there. She's probably got pure Starbucks coffee in her veins.

3. People who talk loud. Are they hard of hearing? Have they already made themselves deaf from their own loudness? And why does their volume DOUBLE the minute they are on their cell? I just want to yell at them: USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE!!!!

4. Cereal that gets soggy within less than a minute. We can land a man on the moon... so what's the deal? Are they training us for some kind of odd food-eating race? Avoid these brands:Any kind of bran flakeWheatiesCorn Flakes(This list may be added to at your leisure).

5. People who point out my typos when I've already told them it's a rough draft. It's not like I don't have spell-check. I just don't want to bother with all that BS until later. Quote: I'm sending you this rough draft and calling it a rough draft because IT'S ROUGH, dammit!Bonus Round:

6. When my mate uses my toothbrush by mistake. Look, I know that we've shared probably what amounts to sheer gallons of spit in the 14 years we've been together, but I don't recall needing or wanting to share old bits of food detritus or plaque. It creeps me out. And he also brushes those big ol' horse teeth of his like he's trying to take off the first layer of enamel which turns my brush into a flattened version of it's former self. It's just icky. Please make it stop.

7. Cigarette smoke smells on clothing. Way worse than just the pure smoke. Especially on chain smokers. You know the type, they are usually in Walmarts (I did that on purpose) and you get behind them and "wooohf!" it just takes over the entire aisle and then permeates YOUR clothing too like it's ALIVE, it's ALIVE!!! Get me outta there!

8. Dick Chaney's sneer. Oh, and his blatant imperviousness to U.S. Laws.

9. Carl Rove. See No. 8 above.

10. Sarah Palin's voice. More than just irritating. Hate-inducing.

11. People who pile up bags of mulch on their driveways but never use them. Like my neighbors across the street, for instance. 4 years going now. Wanna get in on the pool? I already have Spring 2012. I figure it will have decomposed into soil by then.

12. Dust. What is that crap anyway? I heard it's dried skin cells, but I have my doubts. I mean, c'mon... am I really losing that much skin in a week?

13. Extra packaging on food products for no apparent reason. Take Scalloped Potatoes, for instance. There's the box. Then you have the plastic bag for the dried potatoes. Then you have the fake-cheese-flavorings foil packet. I mean, really... can't they just put all that into ONE bag and put it on the shelf???

14. People who are late. Especially those who show up with zero excuse. C'mon, at least make something up! Last time this happened to me the girl just looked at me as if to say, "What? This is normal for me." I've dropped habitual late friends from my list. Including my sister. Seriously. This is a big deal for me.And last but not least:

15. Earwax. Why does this exist? What purpose does it serve? And why is it so damn hard to clean out? And it's soooo gross. The whole subject deserves special study but the only answer science has come up with is Q-tips. And we all know they don't really do the job justice. oh, one more:

16. Zits. 'nuff said.

ohhh, i feel sooo much better now. thanks!


Friday, November 14, 2008

Spamodious hate

1. Mr Haji Bello from Ouagadougou Burkina Faso., who acknowledges that his message might "meet me in utmost surprise" but assures me it is simply his "urgent need for a foreign partner" that made him contact me for help with this transaction. All he wanted was my name, address, phone, fax and age - but when I sent him all this I asked if he didn't also need my bank account information so that he could transfer the $10.5 million dollars that he promised. He STILL hasn't gotten back to me - how rude!

2. Mrs. Dianne Thompson of the U.K. National Lottery. She told me that my email ID won me Lotto!! £891,000+ pounds sterling!! She told me to contact a Mr Phil Herald with all sorts of identifying information (next of kin, occupation, that sort of thing) but again, after sending all this NO WORD AT ALL. What a fucking tease.

3. Mr Phil Herald of U.K. National Lottery. See above. Have you ever heard of such rudeness?

4. Dr Anthony Chognot who emailed me that I won £1.350,000GBP. Why, just when I have had all this luck, are these people not emailing or calling me back to tell me when I'll get my money?

5. This person didn't even tell me their name, but sent me this disturbing email saying merely "we are required to open investigation!" I emailed him or her back asking which of my bank accounts was at issue here. Now I'm all nervous because I don't know which bank account might be shut down if they don't get back to me in time.

The nerve of these people!

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Post-electoral hate

1. When you pay good money for crappy food

2. Having to wait until election day for President Obama

3. W

4. Right wing nut jobs

5. Idiots